Lesson 4 & 5

You are Worthy &

It Is Okay Make your Needs and Desires Known.

As a child I was taught: “Children are to be seen not heard” and I learned as well, that it was bad form to be the first to accept or take something (also, not to take the last of something).  Hence for the better part of my teens and early 20’s I had great difficulty asking for what I truly wanted and making my desires be known.  One such time I remember, my dance teacher Jose (I studied Flamenco for some 6 years back in my early 20’s) inviting a bunch of us students back to his place for some drinks before we headed out to a performance together.

When we got to his place, he asked me first what I would like to drink.  Feeling it was wrong at the time, to be first to be served, I said: “Nothing, Thank you”.  Jose then proceeded to ask all the rest of the students what they wanted and promptly served their drinks.  After everyone had been served and I was the only one not drinking something, Jose asked me again if I wanted anything.  I said. “Okay, I’ll take a coke, Thanks”.  I remember he was a little upset, when he said: “Why didn’t you just say that when I asked the first time.”  Well, I had no answer I could give him at the time, but I remember being a little embarrassed.

Looking back at my life though, I’ve come to realize that it has been a constant struggle for me to ask for what I need or desire from someone. I have therefore, set lower standards in my life so when I get less I do not feel so bad.  An example would be several years back when I was interviewing for a position I really wanted.  I desired a certain amount of money, and I know with my experience at the time and the going rate in the industry that I could get this certain price, but I somehow did not feel worthy to ask for this much money.

After the interview, they asked me my salary range.  I gave them a figure which I felt was 5K below the going rate for this position and my experience.  I felt this way; I was ensuring I’d get this position if I asked for less.  The interviewer then gave me some advice, he told me with my present skills, experience, and references he had thus far checked out, I had actually under priced myself by 10 thousand dollars.  He asked me point blank why I would do such a thing.  Just like with the Jose, and drink episode I was embarrassed and had no real answer. Now I realize that I did these things, one because I not feel I was worthy to ask for what I truly wanted or desired and two because I thought I could protect myself if I asked for  less, and perhaps got more.  You know what I mean, no disappointments.  If I do by happenstance get what I desire, awesome, but if I don’t, that’s okay too.

I’ve come to realize though this is definitely not my best life lived, by constantly accepting less, or by not asking and going for what I truly desire, need or want.  Therefore I have made a pact with myself going forward, not to accept less from or for myself, and to remind myself often that it is okay to accept help, and ask for what truly need or desire.


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